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Melancholie and Mirth








A thin girl reblogged this picture of me with a comment about how she was sad because she wanted that dress but it didn’t come in her size.









people like that… I cannot fucking even



So, a few weeks ago I went to go get a haircut (the first picture is how long it was). I wanted a few inches taken off and cut the way I had it done about March- slightly above shoulder length with lots of layers. I am not posting the picture of after I got it cut, because the guy butchered it. He cut much shorter than I told him and the way he cut the layers was awful. … By the time I realized what he was doing it was too late. I was in shock and started crying the moment I got home. Some may see it as being vain or shallow, but my hair is a big part of me. It was one of the very few things that I never felt self conscious about, I was always proud of it. Then it was gone and looking horrible. It made my already low self esteem just plunge even further. 

I ended up texting my cousin to see if she could fix it and the other pictures are the results. It looked much better than the hack job before, but I still am not happy with it, but at least I didn’t feel as bad going out in public. By the way, my cousin is 19 and still has a year left of cosmetology school and was able to do a much better job than the idiot who butchered me. Another thing that helped is that my best friend showed me this blog. I still don’t feel comfortable with this short hair- I don’t feel like me- but I am glad to see that there are other girls out there who were self conscious about going short and then ended up loving it afterwards. It has definitely helped me to accept it more. 

Ain’t it the truth!

Made some progress tonight, but not on the paper I needed to do. Quick blurb about the paper- it was the paper I needed to do last spring for my medieval art class and because of drama and personal issues, I fell way behind and never got it done. My professor was amazingly kind enough to grant me an extension into the summer, first until about the end of June, then until the middle of July when she went out of the country, then until school started, and finally the first 5 weeks of class. She gave me an incomplete for the class and would change the grade once I got the paper done. After the first 5 weeks of the semester, the I automatically turns to an F. I was still in a really bad place at the beginning of the summer and basically throughout the whole summer, and the thought of trying to to this paper just stressed me out to the point where I just ignored it because there was so much stress and guilt that whenever I tried to do it, I felt as if I had forgotten everything- how to write a paper, how to research it, even how to understand what I was trying to write about. It’s not that I don’t know the material, I do. I really am not the best at writing research papers because a. I never really had to do them in the past, and b. I do much better on tests. I’m the type who has an extremely hard time trying to picture breaking a paper up into smaller sections. I’ve always just sat down and wrote until I finished, which is why I do better on tests. So, now I am almost at the end of that 5 week mark and have only 2 pages written, and a lot more to go. 

So what did I do tonight? I went over my transcript very thoroughly as well as graduation requirements. I was wondering how not finishing the paper and failing the class would affect my hopeful graduation in the spring. There’s several different requirements and not counting major/minor requirements, the largest requirement is the number of units (classes). I need at least 34 units, made up of at least 1 unit per class (some classes are 1.25, like sciences with labs, some are .50 units or .25 units), and 15 of those need to be upper levels (meaning the class level needs to be 250 or higher, like ART 342). I combed through very carefully the classes that I have finished and passed and granting that I pass what I have this semester and next semester, I will have the number of credits I need to graduate, including upper levels. And that means I will still be ok if I don’t finish this paper and fail the class. Which is a great load off of my mind. I don’t want to let it go, but for my stress levels and my sanity, I think I will. As long as I can keep on task this year I will be ok. I’m behind right now, but not so far that I can’t catch up as long as I stay steady and move through things one at a time instead of trying to do a mountain at once.

Although I am still pretty skeptic, every now and then I have tried to pray, asking something/someone, whoever/whatever is out there, for some help. I just need a push sometimes and I do try to push myself, but I still hope that there might be something out there that can add to that and make it just enough to keep me going. I am open to it and I think I do want to believe, I just need…something more, something stronger to help push past my skepticism.

I needed somewhere to type out my rants; somewhere separate from my normal tumblr. So this is basically going to be where I bitch about my life. I needed somewhere to do it.

This is my other tumblr where I post everything else:

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